Trigger warning: This Unsubscribe contains discussion of sexual violence, rape, and sex trafficking.
If you didn’t read my last article, Unsubscribe from Gendered Sexual Violence, we talked about the spectrum of men’s roles in sexual violence — from perpetrators to active and passive complicity — and why ‘not all men’ isn’t a nuanced enough answer.
One in three women in Canada will experience some form of sexual violence in her lifetime. 4.7 million women and girls have been sexually assaulted since age 15, Indigenous women are three times more likely to be assaulted, women with disabilities two times more likely. Men are also victims of sexual violence, just not anywhere near in the same proportions. Many incidents of sexual violence go unreported, but the data we do have shows 97% of reported sexual violence is perpetrated by men.
These numbers are massive. It doesn’t take a statistical analysis to understand that men are a danger to women. Men recognize this too. Men caution their female friends and particularly their daughters against the dangers of sexual violence from other men. The risk is real and we all know it.
The “not all men” argument fails because it assumes women should be able to tell the difference between which men are perpetrators of sexual violence and which are not. We should somehow know it’s not you. But how? Among sexual assaults where an accused was charged by the police, 87% of victims/survivors knew their assailant. Women trusted them — a family member, friend, teacher, co-worker. These men don’t look like the rapist from the movies hiding in the bushes. They look like average guys. So, how could we possibly know which is which?
It’s also why most of the standard “avoid getting raped” advice is only useful to a point. Sure, don’t walk alone at night, let a friend know where you are, make a phone call from the uber — all of those and more are sadly necessary risk mitigation that women do 24/7. But if 87% are the men we know, how do we avoid that? Do we just avoid men altogether?
The truth is that “not all men” really means “not me”.
It is a request to be exempt from the statistical reality that women have a 1 in 3 chance of experiencing sexual violence at the hands of a man. That women should know, inherently, that you, specifically, are safe. That you are the “good guy”.
Women have our own personal experiences of sexual violence and those of our friends but we are also in a constant news cycle of sex crimes — the vast predatory network described in the Epstein files, with zero prosecution and accountability, the scale of the online rape academy with millions of hits, the scope of the Gisele Pelicot case, and the Cornell 7.
We are hit on the regular with some very disturbing information:
The scope and scale of sexual violence — millions of hits, not just a few guys
The complete lack of accountability and prosecution for perpetrators — zero criminal charges laid in the US for anyone in the Epstein files, nevermind the redactions to protect those perpetrators of child sex trafficking, assault and rape
Ordinary men in your average community — 50 men from a 60km radius in southern France chose to rape Gisele Pelicot while she was drugged
Even when the perpetrators of sexual violence are smaller in number — the Cornell 7 — the bystander network is devastatingly large — the other 57 men in the fraternity group chat who did absolutely nothing
Of course women should be more afraid of the man than the bear. That’s just math. We would be stupid not to be.
Men have long identified as protectors of women. Now we are asking, “protection from whom”? And the answer is: other men. That’s an uncomfortable answer. And men are uncomfortable.
If you do not wish to be lumped in with the men who perpetrate sexual violence, or the men who are actively or passively complicit in upholding systems where sexual violence goes unpunished, then you need to actively show us that you are not in those groups. Doing nothing is no longer an option. Complacency is complicity.
Here are a few actions to get you started:
Believe women when they say they have been sexually assaulted. Women vastly underreport for a reason. The legal system is a brutal experience for victims. Judges choose to protect a promising young man’s future rather than protect a woman who has experienced a violent crime. It is often the women themselves who suffer the deepest character assassination as a result of reporting the crime. No woman reports a sexual assault lightly. We know too much. The number of times a woman uses a false sexual assault accusation to “cancel” some man is infinitesimally small comparted to the number of times a sexual assault is never reported. If you’re worried about false accusations, you’re worried about the wrong problem.
Stop sympathizing with men accused of sexual violence or who lose their status as a result. Those men made a choice to commit a crime and should live with the consequences. It’s called accountability, and it should be applied equally to all people — men included. Even men who are good at sports, or have a promising future, or have made some good movies. Be willing to let other men’s reputations be ruined by their own actions. It’s not being cancelled, it’s being accountable. It’s being an adult. You did a thing, a consequence happened. That’s no one’s fault but your own.
Stop apologizing and making excuses for the bad behaviour of men. Misogyny, patriarchy and gender inequality are gateway drugs for gendered sexual violence. I’m not saying every misogynist is a rapist, but I am saying there are a set of attitudes and beliefs underlying the epidemic of sexual violence against women and core amongst these is the idea that women are less equal and less human. Those attitudes and beliefs get expressed in behaviours. Some of those behaviours are sexual violence.
Do not engage in victim blaming and interrupt others who do. It does not matter where she was, what she was wearing or if she had a drink. It’s a violent crime. When someone gets robbed do you assume it’s their fault? No? Do you assume the robber misinterpreted that maybe the victim wanted them to take their stuff? No.
Have the courage to confront other men when they are saying something that promotes misogyny, sexual violence, rape culture, gender inequality and disrespect of women. Women are tired of being the only ones speaking up, and every time we do it puts another target on our backs and makes more work for us.
Use your social media feeds for calls for prosecution and accountability for the people in the Epstein files. We’d like to hear you say out loud, publicly that you want those victims, who were children at the time, children, to see justice. We want as many men denouncing the online rape academy as women and calling for all those names to be released publicly. We want you to call for criminal charges for the Cornell 7 and the university. We want you to be loud and thoughtful and consistent. We’ve been doing this work for a long time and it’s your turn. If you disagree with what is happening, say something.
Spend as much time raising your sons not to commit sexual violence as you do raising your daughters to avoid being a victim of it. Are you having real conversations about consent and women’s bodily autonomy? Are you discussing current events like the online rape academy or the Cornell gang rape with your sons?
Stop pretending that sexual violence is too big or complex to do anything about. Stop letting it stand when some man says, “I don’t even know how to be in the room with a woman anymore”. You do. It’s very simple. Don’t rape her and don’t sexually assault or harass her. Treat her like a human being of equal standing and value to yourself.
Stop thinking “what if it was your daughter?” I would like you to think about “what if it was you?” How would you feel if you, a man, were being sexually harassed by men in your workplace or gang raped by your fellow male students? Would you want it taken seriously? Would you want it prosecuted and stopped? Now apply that same standard of humanity to women.
Those are just off the top of my head. I’m sure there are many more and I would love to hear them. Please tell me what I’ve missed.
My call to men who are uncomfortable because women don’t trust you anymore is this — show us.
Don’t complain about how unfair it is because this is the first time you’re finally feeling some consequences from the sexual violence epidemic. Women have been here our whole lives. Welcome to the party. Pull up a chair and let’s get to work.
In solidarity with all of you who are ready to change the story, together.
— Belinda
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