Trigger warning: This Unsubscribe contains discussion of sexual violence, rape, and sex trafficking.
Right now, many of us are processing what we're learning about the Cornell 7 — seven university students, fraternity members, who drugged, gang raped, and sex trafficked a fellow student. The reported consequences? Two expulsions. The rest were required to write essays.
Women are beyond enraged. Understandably. This is yet another example, in a sea of examples, of a complete lack of proportionate accountability for sexual violence against women.
The numbers of us who have experienced sexual violence in our lives are not small. It’s one in three. And the lack of accountability is not new. Which is why I want to start talking about men's role in sexual violence — and why I'd ask you to forward this to the men in your life, because we need to be having this conversation.
You've heard it before: "Not all men." "I'm one of the good ones."
I want to pull that apart. Because it's not nuanced enough for the different roles that men play in gendered sexual violence.
You are not simply either a bad guy who rapes people, or a good guy who doesn't. Men play many roles in the current landscape of sexual violence against women — and most men are participating in that landscape without realizing it.
The chart below outlines some of those roles.
Of course there are varying degrees of participation in these systems of harm, but it’s not enough to say “I’m not a perpetrator, so therefore I’m one of the good guys” because the reality is that it is mostly men who have created and are maintaining political, legal and social systems of harm (active complicity), and many men are not using their voice, social capital and relative physical safety and security to address those systems and the other men in them (passive complicity).
Basically, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.
Perpetrators. Rapists, child sex abusers, sex traffickers, sexual harassers, misogynists actively pursuing harm. A wide spectrum, but all causing direct damage.
Actively complicit. These are men participating in policies, decisions, organizational behaviors, and legal frameworks that reduce or eliminate accountability for perpetrators. Men who make it easier for harm to happen or easier for perpetrators to face no consequences when it does. This is rampant.
Passively complicit. This is where it gets uncomfortable, because this is where a lot of men who think of themselves as good guys actually live. Passive complicity is staying silent. Not challenging your male friends. Chuckling at the joke. Seeing the group chat and doing nothing. Knowing someone is a predator and saying nothing to nobody. Not intervening when you're in the room and you could. You're not causing the harm directly — but you are part of the system that allows it to continue.
Good men. This is the category I'm inviting men to actually earn. Not claim — earn.
If you're a man reading this and you just moved yourself from "good guy" to "passively complicit" — that discomfort is important. Sit with it.
Because the good guys group is available to you and believe me, women want you in it.
But getting there requires action. Calling it out when you hear the joke or comment. Intervening when you see something wrong. Calling the police when you see the group chat. Stopping your friend when he's making someone uncomfortable.Believing survivors. Using your voice, your presence, and your relationships to make things harder for perpetrators and reduce harm for the women around you.
More to come on this — specific actions for men who are sickened by what they’ve heard and are ready to do something about it.
For now: do some honest reflection about which category you're currently sitting in. And whether you're comfortable with that.
Gendered sexual violence will not be solved by women alone. We’ve tried that and we’re still right here. Men must begin to see this as their problem too and put as much into trying to change it as women have been doing for years.. Please share this with the men in your life. Men, welcome to the party. We’ve been waiting for you.
— Belinda
Subscribe to Unsubscribe
Yes, we see the irony. But trust us—
you’ll want this in your inbox.